Invasion of the Snakes from Hell!!

Anybody else hate snakes? I'm talking about wild snakes that slither up into your yard just to try to scare you to death or threaten to bite you. I'm really not afraid of snakes, as such . . . I mean, I've petted giant ones at the zoo, and pet ones are fine, if you're into that sort of thing. I don't even freak out walking around in the field or the woods and seeing one wiggle by. I just don't want the damn things in my yard near my kids, my dogs, or my farm animals - plus, I really don't want to get bit, either.



I live in Western Kentucky, home to hundreds of the ugly things including poisonous Copperheads and Cottonmouths (AKA Water Moccosins). Two years ago were overrun with cottonmouths, as my husband found a nest of baby ones, then some huge ones to match. There is a lake right behind our backyard, so I guess that might have attracted 'em, who knows. Last year was much better, we only saw a few of the non-poison types in the driveway.



Then this year, INVASION OF THE SNAKES FROM HELL! First off, a group of rat snakes seem to think the spot in front of our bay window where the bricks have settled and left a gap is a hotel for crawlies. We watched four of them crawl out last month in one hours time! Big ones, too, about 6 six feet long! EEWW! You see, that meant that the were technically living IN our house, between our diningroom wall and the bricks exterior!. We dumped a box of moth balls down in there which seemed to keep them out. Of course our house smelled awful from the moth balls, but it seemed to do the trick.



All had been well for the past couple of weeks, then my daughter Brittany came to me a couple days ago and said, "There's a huge snake in the flowerbox! Go shoot it!" Yes, that is normally how I deal with snakes, by shooting them from a safe distance away. No hoe-chopping for me!



So I run out on the back porch and there, in the patio flower box is a huge, ugly snake, trying to crawl down under the mulch in the corner, leaving most of his big ole self draped around my dalias and petunias! No way could I shoot at him, as the flower box is made of brick and attached to the house. {Danger. Ricochet!} From where we stood on the back porch, I tried to yank him out with a hoe so I could kill him by chopping him up with this sharpened edger thing my husband rigged up after the cottonmouth invasion. We were on the porch so there wasn't any way he could have bit us. Anyway, when Mr. Slimey feels the hoe trying to pull him out, he starts shaking his tail which makes a rattling sound! I think, and hope, that I read somewhere that some snakes will fake the rattlesnake thing as a form of self defense, which works pretty well for them since we nearly pissed ourselves when we hear it! So then we were all freaked out and just wanted to scare him away. My daughter Amanda suggested setting off some firecrackers to scare him off, but the only thing we could find was some old sparklers. So I lit one - very bravely when the snake's head was again stuck underneath the mulch - and dropped it on his back, then jumped back up on the safty of the porch. Oh, I wish I'd had a camera with me then because what happened next would have been the world's coolest funny picture. One of the sparks must have burned him 'cuz up comes his head in the classic horror movie strike pose, bringing him face-to-face with the lit sparkler, which he stared at, trying to figure out what the hell it was. Then, as we watched, the mulch between the plants caught on fire! This caused one of the girls to totally loose it. She started to holler that the house was gonna catch on fire and the snake was gonna kill us all, to hell with it, could we PLEASE go back inside. By the time her little fit was over, the small blaze had fizzled out, but I thought I'd pour some water on it just to be on the safe side. Mr. Slimey had crawled completely under the mulch and dirt when the smoke started, so I figured it would be hard for him poke his head up to bite me at this point. My next idea was to use boiling water, just incase he did try. As you can tell by the picture, about the only thing that accomplished was to kill the two plants closest to the house. Oh, and the little rocks lying on the edge were from when we tried to scare him by throwing rocks at him, which went over like a lead balloon.



The good news is that we haven't seen that slimey bastard since. I guess he told all of his snake buddies that the crazy people would torture them if they got near their flowers.